Number 100
In 2002 both of our children were married. They
both “leaved and cleaved” within six
months of each other—John in June and Jen
in November. Wow! What an adjustment!
That got me
thinking. How do you parent an adult child? What
should that relationship look like? And how can
we make sure it works well?
THE PROBLEM
Patsy, my wife,
has said on many occasions, "Your parents let
us get away from them." In other words, they
didn't work at getting together with us, showing
interest in our world, or letting us know what was
going on in their lives. They rarely showed any
interest in what I did. Even when I would share
a detail they didn't ask any follow up questions.
They rarely talked to me about any matters of the
heart--it was all surface stuff. As a result, getting
together was pretty much obligatory.
Their motives
were not dark--they just didn't think in those terms--but
the result is the same: I have no sense that they
took delight in me as their son. They may have,
but I can't conjure up any memory of it if they
did. I don't mean to be harsh--I really do love
and admire them. They overcame a lot, and were a
beautiful example in so many ways. My reason for
mentioning all this is simple: I want to be a successful
parent to my adult children, their mates, and a
model grandparent to their children if God should
so bless.
Until they married
we were vitally involved in the daily details of
both our children. Basically, we were best friends.
Now what? A lot of emphasis is put on “leaving
and cleaving,” but relatively little is said
about how to maintain the parent-child relationship.
So lately I
have been thinking about this topic of parenting
adult children--what does it mean, and what does
it look like? Here are eight thoughts…
1. KEEPING
UP WITH THEM
We want to keep
up with their "daily" issues--what are
my adult children struggling with that I could/should
be praying for? What makes their hearts soar? Where
do they need a victory? Where do they need consolation?
What a huge
loss it would be to not connect at the "real"
level of what is actually important to them. Isn’t
it encouraging when someone asks you how the sore
shoulder you mentioned two weeks ago is doing? An
equally huge loss would be to not connect at the
spiritual level of the heart.
2. KEEPING
THEM UP WITH US
Let your children
in on the "daily" issues you face-- struggles,
heartaches, joys, victories, big and little, good
and bad. How I wish my parents had included me in
their lives! Regrettably, I know they enjoyed golf
and dinner with friends, but little else.
They really
do want to know! The best way to find the right
boundaries for “how much” they want
to know is to candidly, honestly discuss these issues
with your children. I suspect my parents would have
loved more contact, but if they did, I never knew
it! Now they are both deceased.
3. GETTING
TOGETHER
We want to make
sure we get together. We have been discussing openly, “How often should we get together?”
Looking back, I wish my parents would have taken
that same initiative and said, "We want to
make sure we see as much of you as we can, but we
want to be sensitive to the many obligations you
have in this phase of your lives." Or something
like that.
Be sensitive
to the different levels of emotional energy people
have. Sometimes short, but more frequent visits
can be a good solution. Don’t forget to share
holidays with the “other” parents.
Patsy has an
awesome way of making our children feel welcome.
For their first married Christmas they spent time
with us. She wrote them in advance and asked, “What
are your three favorite foods?” Then she made
sure to be fully stocked up when they arrived.
4. VERBAL COMMUNICATION
We want to communicate
with our children. This raises the question, “How
often should we talk on the phone?” I know
this sounds simple, but growing up in my parent’s
family it was not. We never had a conversation about
it. In my dad’s later years, I talked to him
every Tuesday morning and every day after mom died.
But I hardly ever called my parents for 30 years--maybe
10 times. How did that happen? I don't know how,
but I know that I don't want that to happen with
my children!!
When our son,
John, left for college we blew it. During the first
week we called him every day. Finally, on Thursday,
he said, “Mom and dad, I appreciate your calls
but you need to stop calling me so often.” We talked about it, made the adjustment, and things
were cool from then on.
5. WRITTEN
COMMUNICATIONS
Recently I started
writing a weekly email to each of our two children
and their mates. In this email I (variously) share
how I’ve been praying for them, ask for prayer
requests, and share some “details” about
what’s going on with us. Here’s an actual
example:
Jay
and Jen...
Been praying
for you every day--both your new classes, your new
job, Jen, and your ability to juggle all your responsibilities,
Jay, and especially for the evaluation process!!
Very exciting days!
Filled out app.
for Ph. D--ordered transcripts--sent resume. NTC
started this a.m. Speaking on "Better Days--Restoring
a Broken Marriage" tomorrow. Patsy, Marilyn,
and Nancy (in town for Sara's cheerleading championships
at Disney) are right now over to see a house Randy
and Marilyn want to buy--they have contract to sell
their house. Ed and June will be in town this weekend
for Sara--stay with us Sat and Sun night. i fly
to Nashville on Monday for NRB (natl. religious
broadcasters) announcing our new relationship with
OnCore Group. Gave Jamie Hart copy of YMIM on Sunday--Monday
he called for 5 copies to start group Tues am. Katie
can't walk anymore without the miracle leash.
Talk to you soon. With all my love and "delight",
dad
6. SPECIAL
OCCASIONS
Remember special
occasions in ways that connect. There are many special
occasions each year: Valentine’s Day, Easter,
Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Christmas,
New Year’s Eve and Day, 4th of July, Labor
Day, and Halloween (All Saints Day). These are opportunities
for cards, calls, and get togethers.
Instead of buying
potentially unwanted presents at Christmas, Patsy
asked our kids, “Would you rather have gift
certificates or presents?” When they said,
“Gift certificates would be great,”
she asked, “Which stores do you like?”
There are also
special “once in a lifetime” occasions,
like delivery dates, baptisms, confirmations, graduations,
promotions, weddings, and funerals. These should
be “must do” events. Presents and cards
are a nice touch.
Of utmost importance
are the birthdays and wedding anniversaries. Cards
or letters are a must, and we try to give them a
call.
7. PRAYER
We want to pray
for them, and have them pray for us. First, we pray
for them every day and want those prayers to be
specific as well as general. We want them to know
that we pray. We want to know what is heavily on
their hearts--whether joy, sorrow, need, injury,
hope, goal, or whatever else is taking a lot of
emotional energy.
And we want
them to know the same about us. We want them to
pray specifically for us too. That’s a real
relationship.
8. ROLES
Our son, John,
recently said, “Dad, you’re my number
one consigliere.” No words have ever brought
me more joy.
Our roles do change as our children go out on their
own. Some of the roles that come to mind are mentor,
counselor, encourager, and baby sitter.
But we also
have to be careful. Perhaps the biggest concern
is what one friend called “intrusion.”
After all, they are married and they do have their
own lives together. That is the natural order of
things. We have no business interfering in their
relationship or giving unasked for advice. On the
other hand, we don’t want to throw out the
baby with the bathwater either.
One friend practices
what he calls “the ministry of availability.”
We want our adult children to know that we are “available” if they need us.
They may “leave
and cleave” but with God’s help we are
not going to “let them get away from us.”
Application:
Which of these eight ideas is most applicable to
your circumstances, and why?
Business leader, author,
and speaker, Patrick Morley helps men think more
deeply about their lives, to be reconciled with
Christ, and to be equipped for a larger impact on
the world. David Delk is the COO of Man in the Mirror
© 2002. Patrick Morley and David Delk. All rights
reserved.
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