Number
5
Ten Practical Ideas to Build a Thriving Marriage
by Patrick Morley
Adapted from Devotions For
Couples (Zondervan)
Can you remember how your heart
pounded the first time you knew you loved your mate? Whatever happened
to those feelings?
A good marriage should be like
great music -- passionate, harmonious, colorful. But did you know that
today nearly 40% of Christian marriages end in divorce? What can we do
about that?
We each marry for the same
reasons. We dream of building a life together, meteoric career success,
and doting children -- to spend the rest of our life with that person
who knocked us off our feet! Yet, under the weight a thousand daily pressures
those dreams often fade away. In this article I would like to share with
you the ten most practical ideas I know of to help grow that loving feeling
-- to make beautiful music with the mate you love.
If you can, read this together
with your mate out loud. By the way, if you are single, engaged, or divorced
you can still read these ten ideas with great benefit. So, without further
adieu. . .
TEN IDEAS
Listen to Each Other: Communication
invariably shows up as the number one problem in marriage surveys. The
greatest weakness in communication with our mates is the problem of giving
an overly quick reply. We attach high value to our mates when we listen
deeply to each other without giving any overly quick response that criticizes
or gives advice (two things all people dread). Listening lubricates marriage
and keeps down the friction.
Spend Time Together Alone:
The issue is time -- who gets it? How we spend our time reveals what is
really important to us. Successful couples spend time together. They read
the Bible together. They develop shared interests, like bowling, reading,
hiking, or plays.
Touch Each Other: Successful
couples touch each other. They hug, squeeze, embrace, pat, hold hands,
put arms around each other, and sit close enough to touch when sitting
in front of the tube. Non-sexual touching leads to genuine intimacy. They
enjoy sex, and often.
Encourage Each Other With Words:
Encouragement is the food of the heart, and every heart is a hungry heart.
Our mate has an emotional bank account into which we make deposits and
from which we make withdrawals like being grumpy when we get home from
work or encouraging our spouse when they feel down. We all need to be
lifted up when we are blue, but the most successful couples go another
step. Successful couples create a positive environment. They verbally
affirm each other at every opportunity. They try to catch each other doing
things "right." They pass along compliments others make about
their mate. They never pass up an opportunity to express appreciation:
"I love the way you fix your hair."That was a great dinner."
"Thank you for being such a good provider."
Unconditionally Accept Each
Other: A man under stress said, "The reason I love my dog so much
is because he loves me no matter what I do." Unconditional love and
acceptance forms a crucial foundation in successful marriages. The most
intense need of every man and woman is to be in relationship with one
other person who really cares. Happy couples don't feel like they have
to perform to be loved. They don't feel like they will be rejected if
they don't meet a sets of standards. Intimacy means that I know who you
are at the deepest level, and I accept you. Jesus accepts us, "Just
as I am," and smart mates accept each other as is, too.
Be Committed to Each Other:
Successful couples have a commitment to work through troubles. The "divorce"
word is not allowed to be uttered, no matter how upset or angry one becomes.
They have an agreement on how to handle conflicts. They have talked through
issues of how to "fight fair" under peaceful conditions. They
try to let the little ones go. They make an active commitment to want
the best for their mate, to help them grow as a person. Be sure to pray
both "for" and "with" each other -- you may be the
only person in the whole world regularly praying for your mate.
Take Care of Your Financial
Future Together: Money problems create more stress on marriage than any
other outside threat. Here is the issue: is it right to spend so much
on a lifestyle today that your mate will be forced to abandon it when
you are gone? Successful couples have resolved to live within their means.
They do not live so high today that they fail to provide for retirement
and premature death. They don't take on debt. They know that Morley's
Money Maxim is true: "Debt is dumb."
Laugh With Each Other: The
antidote for boredom in marriage is lively humor. If your partner tells
a funny, laugh! (Even if he isn't Bob Hope or she isn't Carol Burnett).
If neither one of you is funny, make sure to watch funny movies and be
around funny friends.
Make Each Other Your Top Priority:
Once I called three friends to pray for a difficult challenge I faced
the next day. One week later I finally called each of them to let them
know how it turned out. I'm sure I have shown the same disinterest to
my friends. The only one you can fully count on to be there for you is
your mate. The rule of rules for successful marriage is this: After God,
but before all others, make each other your top priority. Don't let anyone
-- not even your children, but especially your parents -- come between
you.
Be Each Other's Best Friend:
Oswald Chambers said, "The last mark of intimacy is to share our
secret joys." Happy couples commit to spend time together as friends.
They share secrets with each other. They enjoy each other's company. They
realize they are the only ones who are really in this thing "together."
Everyone else is for themselves to some degree, even kids. But couples
are "one flesh."
SOME SUGGESTIONS …
For Discussion: Each answer:
In which of these ten ways have you "invested" in your mate?
How? Which ones would you like to improve?
For Application: Make a mark
by each of the ways you would really like to improve. What is one thing
you can you do this week for each area you want to improve? Ask your mate
what you could do to show improvement in each of those areas. Write several
of these ideas in the margins of this article and refer to it this week
as a reminder.
PRAYER
Both pray: Lord God, I thank
you for my mate. I pray that we will have a successful, happy marriage
all our days. Lord, I confess that I need to work on the following areas
(name them). Grant me the desire and the power to be the kind of mate
I know You and my wife/husband would like me to be. Help me to be a blessing.
Amen.
CONCLUSION
Marriage represents the highest
potential of any human relationship. The Bible says that "a man will
leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become
one flesh" (Genesis 2:24). Wow! In other words, somehow a mystical
"union" takes place in which we mysteriously become "one
flesh" before God. No other human relationship can come close to
that -- none.
When the party is over, the
crepe paper droops low, the party hats are strewn all over the floor,
the children are grown and gone, and your friends have all retired and
moved away, there will only be two rocking chairs sitting side by side.
Be sure to "invest" in each other today so that you can fully
enjoy those special times.
So, which idea has worked best
for you? Which one would you most like "invest" in over the
next few days?
Business leader, author, and
speaker, Patrick Morley helps men to think more deeply about their lives,
to be reconciled with Christ, and to be equipped for a larger impact on
the world.
© 1998. Patrick M. Morley. All rights reserved.
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