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Number
9
How to Have an Accountable Relationship
by Patrick Morley
Adapted from The Man in the
Mirror and The Seven Seasons of a Man's Life (Thomas Nelson Publishers)
I played doubles tennis with
a partner who always became angry when I netted the ball. Finally I told
him, "Look, give me a break. I would never intentionally hit the
ball into the net!" Nobody who trusts Christ with their life intentionally
disobeys the scriptures. Men don't fall on purpose. Yet, we see men falling
short of their full potential every day the wheels seem to fall off their
wagons. Why?
One of the greatest reasons
that men get into trouble is that they don't have to answer to anyone
for their lives. Ask around. You will learn that very few men have built
accountability into their life.
Every day men fail morally,
spiritually, relationally, and financially; not because they don't want
to succeed, but because of blind spots and weak spots which they think
they can handle on their own. They can't.
Some men have spectacular failures
in a moment of passion they burst into flames, crash, and burn. More often,
men make hundreds of tiny, undetected decisions that slowly, like water
tapping on a rock, wear down their character. Not blatantly or precipitously,
but subtly, we get caught in a web of cutting corners, compromise, and
self-deceit. And no one asks us, "How? Why? What? and Who?"
Men fall because they don't have to answer to anyone for their behavior
and beliefs.
News, Sports, & Weather
…
Most of our conversations in life revolve around the cliche level news,
sports, and weather. But this is the tip of the iceberg the "visible"
you. The "real" you wrestles with gut-wrenching issues in the
key areas of your life every day, and like me, you need someone to help
you navigate around the submerged dangers of an unexamined life.
The Purpose and Definition
of Accountability
The purpose of accountability is nothing less than to each day become
more Christ-like in all our ways and be ever more intimate with Him. Here's
a useful working definition of accountability for Christians:
Suggested Guidelines for
A Weekly One-Hour Accountability Check-Up
- Try to ensure each person
gets equal "air time". However, if one of you has a particularly
hard struggle one week, be flexible enough to focus on that issue.
- Let each person work through
a section at a time, then let the other(s) answer. This will keep things
moving.
- Don't neglect the prayer
time.
- Try this in a small group
of 3 to 5 men. This will work well if everyone speaks succinctly (one
hour will go by very quickly!) You may want to try one-on-one.
- Reread the chapter, "Accountability:
The Missing Link", from The Man in the Mirror, at least once every
year and discuss the questions at the end of the chapter. You will be
surprised how your understanding of accountability changes over the
years.
- Stick it out. You will want
to quit, perhaps often. Ask God to strengthen you when you want to give
up.
- Hold each other accountable
for the goals you each set for yourselves and to the standards of God's
Word.
- Never forget the purpose
of accountability: To each day become more Christ-like in all of your
ways. Remember it is Jesus who is the object of our search, our devotion,
our sacrifice, and our affection. Anything less than intimacy with Christ
will be a pallid achievement from your time together.
- Finally, if you are uncomfortable
with the format, feel free to alter these questions and type up your
own accountability checklist. The substance is more important than the
form. You may want to divide the key areas among more than one accountability
partner.
Reference Scriptures:
Proverbs 27:6, 17; Ecclesiastes
4:9, 10; Philippians 2:4, 20; John 13: 34; Galatians 6:1, 2; James 5:16a.
The Weekly One-Hour Accountability
CheckUp
Questions to Start
- How has God
blessed you this week? (What went right?)
- What problem has consumed
your thoughts this week? (What went wrong?)
Spiritual Life
- God's Word Have you read
it consistently? (How many days? How long? Why not? Will you next week?)
What has God been teaching you?
- Prayer Describe your prayers
for yourself, for others, praise, confession, gratitude. How is your
relationship with Christ evolving?
- Temptation How have you
been tempted this week? How did you respond?
- Confession Do you have any
unconfessed sin in your life?
- Worship Did you worship
in church this week? (Was your faith in Jesus strengthened? Was He honored?)
- Witness Have you shared
your faith? In what ways? How can you improve?
Home Life
- Wife How is it going with
your wife? (time, meaningful conversation, attitudes, intimacy, irritations,
disappointments, her relationship with Christ)
- Children How is it going
with your children? (giving encouragement, quantity and quality time,
values, education, spiritual welfare)
- Finances How are your finances
doing? (debts, sharing, saving, spending, stewardship)
- Time How have you invested
your time around the house?
Work Life
- Job How are things going?
(career progress, relationships, temptations, work load, stress, problems,
working too much?)
Critical Concerns
- God's Will Do you feel you
are in the center of God's will? Do you sense His peace?
- Thought Life What are you
wrestling with in secret?
- Service What have you done
for someone else this week which can't be repaid? (the poor, encouragement,
mercy, service to others)
- Priorities Are your priorities
in the right order?
- Integrity Is your moral
and ethical behavior as it should be?
- High-Risk How are you doing
in your personal high-risk area?
- Transparency Is the "visible"
you and the "real" you consistent in our relationship? (if
not, in what ways?)
Prayer
- Close the one-hour accountability
check-up with ten to fifteen minutes of prayer. Focus on concerns of
the week.
Conclusion
I believe no man can stay on
track with his God, his family, his friends, his morality, his money,
and his vocation unless he has an accountable relationship with other
men. The truth for the Biblical Christian is this: There is power in vulnerability,
strength in numbers, and safety in visibility.
If you don't have anyone to
whom you have given permission to ask how you are really doing, then let
me challenge you to fill in this missing link in your life. Take the "Three
Week Accountability Challenge": 1. Think of three men who would be
good accountability partners for you. 2. Ask each of them to read this
article. 3. All four of you make a commitment to meet together for three
weeks. If any members don't want to continue after three weeks, find other
men to take their place.
A good size for an accountability
group is four men. Four men can help each other multiply their strengths
and minimize their weaknesses. It is unlikely that four men would all
be led astray into the same sin or fail to challenge one of the members
on a critical issue. And if one man misses a meeting or drops out, the
accountability group can continue.
Are you doing everything you
can to guard yourself against the epidemic of falling and failure among
men? Make a commitment today to be regularly answerable for each of the
key areas of your life to qualified people. It may be the missing piece
that helps you to synchronize your behavior with your beliefs and keeps
you from spinning out of control.
One more thing. Why not make
a copy of "The Weekly One-Hour Accountability Check-up" from
the previous page and keep it in a handy place, like your Bible? Use it
the next time you meet with other men.
Business
leader, author, and speaker, Patrick Morley has been used throughout the
world to help men and leaders think more deeply about their lives, to
be reconciled with Christ, and to equip them to have a larger impact on
the world.
© 1995.
Patrick M. Morley. All rights reserved.
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