Resolving Conflict
By Patrick Morley and David Delk
Excerpted and adapted from The Marriage Prayer (Moody Press, Fall 2008)
If you’re married, you have conflict. It’s inevitable when you bind two sinful
people together that there will be tension and friction. How you handle conflict
says a lot about where your heart is with Christ.
Why Conflict in Marriage Hurts So Much
Since we truly have become one flesh, there is a vulnerability in marriage
unlike any other relationship. Whether we admit it or not, we care deeply what
our spouse thinks about us. We desperately want to be admired, cherished,
respected, and valued. When we experience conflict and criticism, it strikes
directly at this desire—we are forced to admit our failings and faults. Not
only this, but most of us are considerably more sensitive than we want to let
on. When we get our feelings hurt at work or by a friend, we have to control
ourselves so we don’t let it show. We look like we have crocodile skin. But the
reality is that often we are faking it. Those things that people say to us matter.
Rejections, slights, and rude comments really do hurt.
Resolving Conflict
One essential thing we’ve found from experience: if you want to have great
relationships, honest communication has to be at the foundation of it all. Too
often in relationships there is a lack of frankness. We decide what to say based
on what we think the other person wants to hear. We try to say everything so
carefully because we are trying to manage the other person’s response.
Don’t get us wrong. We should be sensitive and thoughtful in the way we speak to
our spouses. But many of us cross a line where we are not expressing the whole truth
because we are afraid of how our spouse will react. When this becomes a habit you have
no real way of dealing with conflict.
Learn to speak the truth in love and let God determine the results. Speak with gentleness,
humility, and a genuine desire for the other person’s best interest. One practical
way to foster honest communication—don’t focus on your spouse’s behavior, instead
express how you are impacted as a result of their behavior.
You also foster honest communication when you think ahead and don’t have to reinvent
how to handle conflict every time it occurs. Make an actual plan for how you will
bring up and handle conflicts. Here are a few suggestions (mark beside each if you want
to actually try to implement it):
Him |
Her |
|
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Set up a time once a week when you can bring up any issues outside the
heat of the moment. Have the meeting whether or not there are any issues
to discuss, so the habit will be in place when there is a problem. |
□ |
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You might want to raise an issue by writing down your perceptions and
feelings—make that part of the system. It’s easier to carefully state
your perspective when you take the time to actually write it down. Then
give your spouse a few minutes to read the letter and think about their
response before you have your conversation. |
□ |
□ |
As soon as a conflict begins, go to a specific place in your home to discuss things calmly and privately. Your friends and children don’t need to see you sounding off at one another in a public setting. (Your kids will know something is up, so it’s a good thing to loop back with them and explain the conflict and your resolution. They need to see you own up to mistakes and also that your love for one another is bigger than any temporary issue.) |
□ |
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Make the commitment together now—the next time conflict begins, you’ll
pray the Marriage Prayer aloud together before you talk about resolving
the issues. |
The secret of functional families is honest, open communication especially when it
comes to conflict resolution. Remember, nobody can make you unhappy unless you
give them permission. Having honest communication is one way of denying permission
to someone else to make you unhappy.
When we make our spouse our top priority (after God), we will still have conflict, but
now we have a full emotional bank account and the reserves to handle conflict well.
Here’s a phrase from the Marriage Prayer that summarizes this teaching—“Lord, help
me love You more than her, and her more than anyone or anything else.” When we love
God and our spouse more than ourselves, we see conflict as a chance to reflect and
repent. Handled biblically, conflict can become an opportunity to make your marriage
better than it has ever been before.
The Marriage Prayer |
Father, |
I said, “’Til death do us part”—I want to mean it. |
Help me love You more than her, |
and her more than anyone or anything else. |
Help me bring her into Your presence today. |
Make us one, like You are three-in-one. |
I want to hear her, cherish her, and serve her— |
So she would love You more and we can bring You glory. |
Amen |
 |
Patrick Morley and David Delk
Pat is the CEO of Man in the Mirror. He and Patsy have been married
for 35 years. David Delk is the President of Man in the Mirror and has
been married to Ruthie for 20 years. Their soon-to-be released book,
The Marriage Prayer (Moody), brings biblical insights to life through true
stories of real couples. |
© 2008. Patrick Morley. All rights reserved. This article may be reproduced
for non-commercial ministry purposes with proper attribution.
Get a printed version of A Look in the Mirror and more in
Equipping the Man in the Mirror, a bi-monthly daily devotional for leaders. |
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