A Look in the Mirror

Building Romance Into Your Marriage
By Patrick Morley and David Delk

Excerpted and adapted from The Marriage Prayer (Moody Publishers, Fall 2008)

Some mornings there is dew all over the ground, almost like the remains from a heavy rain. Other days the grass may be nearly dry. Why the difference?

Dew forms when the temperature drops low enough to cause the moisture in the atmosphere to condense. The more water vapor in the air, the higher the temperature at which dew forms. The dryer the air, the colder it has to get.

Romance in a marriage is like dew condensing from the air. If the atmosphere of your marriage is dry, romance is hard to come by. Rather than being romantic, small actions toward one another—a smile, a word, a held hand—can seem forced or even manipulative.

But if you saturate your marriage with love, time and affection, then small moments of connection mean a lot more. In the right conditions, those small,
tender actions condense into something that becomes romance.

How can you help your spouse feel cherished? It won’t usually come as a by-product of a few big actions; it will flow out of the atmosphere from lots of little things that demonstrate daily love.

When Romance Is Gone

In our busy world it’s easy for the feeling of romance to fade away. “There’s just no fire there.” “He doesn’t love me anymore.” “She acts like I’m her brother, not her lover.” “It feels like we’re just living together as roommates.”

We hear this from men and women all the time. What’s going on when this
happens? There are at least two possibilities...

The first is that you have unrealistic expectations. Every day won’t feel as electric as the movie theater at eighteen years old. The loss of a job, sick in-laws, teenagers whose grades aren’t what they should be, the death of a friend, and intense projects at work—life is filled with all kinds of circumstances that simply cannot be romantic. That’s okay.

As Pat has said before, all disappointment is a result of unmet expectations. Make sure you and your spouse are on the same page about the stresses and realities of what’s happening in your life right now. Your life-stage and current circumstances profoundly affect the state of your romantic relationship.

Still, when weeks and weeks go by with no romance, then there’s a problem. Often what has happened is that we have forgotten to treat our spouse with care and respect. We have misplaced our priorities and let other things distract us from moment-by-moment care for our spouse.

Why is there a lack of romance in your marriage? Perphaps you have forgotten what your “love” actually looks like to your spouse. You aren’t actually cherishing your spouse the way God cherishes you. You don’t love God more than them and them more than anyone or anything else. When we “love” like this, romance withers and dies.

First Corinthians chapter 13 is a great diagnostic to evaluate our daily love. It shows us how true love acts toward others. Perhaps you’ve read it many times, but what if we made this passage specific for you? How would your love measure up?

Insert your name in the blanks below (where “love” appears in the original).

________ is patient, ________ is kind. ________ does not envy, ________
does not boast, ________ is not proud. ________ is not rude, ________
is not self-seeking, ________ is not easily angered, ________ keeps no
record of wrongs. ________ does not delight in evil, ________ rejoices with
the truth. ________ always protects, ________ always trusts, ________
always hopes, ________ always perseveres.

	Connection Point
Which fill-in-the-blank do you feel like you do best? Is there one where you see your love falling short? Say a brief prayer asking God to change your heart, then share your answers with your spouse.

Glad you asked. Here are some key ideas for how to create an atmosphere that promotes romance. As you read them, consider which one might best apply to your situation.

■	Talk about special memories. Reconnect by remembering your first date, the night you became engaged, or important moments in your early marriage. It’s too easy to forget all that God did to bring you together.
■	Have lots of little interactions with your spouse. A whirlwind getaway to a New York City luxury hotel won’t be romantic when disconnected from the dozens and hundreds of interactions from the previous weeks. Hold hands, ask an open-ended question and listen to the answer, fold clothes together, call from the car on the way home, or fix them a bowl of ice cream. Take advantage of the little opportunities life presents.
■	Spend time together. Make a point to spend time alone every day for the next week or so—take a walk, play a game, or do the dishes. Before you go to bed, make sure you’ve done something together that included quality time.
■	Buy a gift for each other. Set a reasonable dollar limit and both go shopping to buy a small gift for one another. Plan a quiet evening and give your gifts along with the reason you selected it.
■	Make sure your spouse knows that you think they’re great. Nothing is more romantic than knowing someone really likes you. Every person wants to be highly thought of. Find one good thing about your spouse and mention your appreciation every day. Or find a special time, look them in the eyes and tell them three things about them that are wonderful.
■	Write a letter, by hand. Here’s a corollary to the previous idea: put down on paper some of the things you are grateful for about your spouse. Choose a special moment to present the letter to them; make sure they have peace and quiet to enjoy your note.
■	Ask questions every day. Don’t let the pace of life rob you of a chance to share your thoughts, ideas, and dreams—and to hear theirs. Keeping communication and intimacy alive is a prerequisite for romance. Ask non-threatening questions that show you care.

NBAS (No-Brainer Action Step)

Choose one of the ideas above to do right away. Don’t tell your spouse which one you picked—yet. Begin to implement your choice, then come back in a week or so and talk about any changes you’ve noticed in your relationship.

Patrick Morley and David Delk
Pat is the CEO of Man in the Mirror. He and Patsy have been married for 35 years. David Delk is the President of Man in the Mirror and has been married to Ruthie for 20 years. Their soon-to-be released book, The Marriage Prayer (Moody), brings biblical insights to life through true stories of real couples.

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